"Just let him take you while your car's in the shop."
I can barely hear her over the rush of water coming out of the shower. "Shouldn't you be going with me?"
"I've already seen it," Chrisette says dismissively. "Just look at the main ranch house, and then it's only, like, one minute east to see that barn that the owners said we could rent for half."
"Why not just do that?"
"Because it's kind of in disrepair."
"I don't know why you think Todd will be of any help." I don't want to go anywhere with him.
Chrisette pokes her head around the shower curtain to swat my ass playfully. "Since you don't like it when I hang out with him alone…" she teases, then ducks back out when I reach for her.
Dear god, if only she knew. "Just come with, baby."
"I can't, Jesse," she says sympathetically. "I have to go to work. Todd said he'd be here at ten."
Fuck that. "I'll see if Scotty can take me," I reply. "He doesn't have shit to do."
"Whatever, that's fine. I gave Todd your number just in case," she adds as she sails out the door.
"You did what now? Chrisette? Hello?"
Before I'm even dressed I call Scott. When he answers he sounds completely distracted.
"Sorry, dude," he finally tells me after I wasted my breath explaining the situation. "I actually am driving Hannah's car today, and I have to pick her up for brunch as payment."
This must be how the Little Match Girl felt as the last flame went out. "Are you fucking kidding me?" I ask. "Crazy Pussy Hannah? Fucking brunch? You hate her!"
"And she hates me," Scott replies, "but that makes the sex a-fucking-mazing"
Even though he can't see it I shake my head. "This is going to bite you in the ass, man."
He laughs, "Come on, son. Everybody gotta stick they dick in crazy at some point. I'm pulling up, so I gotta go. If Hannah thinks I'm talking about her I won't get any road head. She loves giving road head."
"Fuck off, Scotty," I reply.
"You too, man. Later."
The beep of the ended call feels more final than usual. I wait for some sort of fucked up text for the next hour. Get naked and blindfold yourself at 9:57. Some shit like that. If any idiot has stuck dick in crazy, that would be me. Just me letting Crazy get my dick in his ass, and then Crazy turning around and dicking me. This is unhealthy as shit.
When Todd finally shows up I'm so tense that my balls are trying to retreat into my body. The son of a bitch just pulls up to the curb and honks the horn. Todd takes one look at me and goes, "I'm just doing this for Chrissy," when I hop in.
"Me, too, dumbass," I mutter, turning my cap around so I can pull the brim over my eyes. We spend the next forty-five minutes in silence. It gives me plenty of time to figure out how to tell the charming property owner that we don't want to rent her house or her barn. At least, I don't. Chrisette likes the idea of the mason jar, rustic, homespun outdoor wedding. I like the idea of my mother not complaining the whole day.
When we reach the ranch I hop out without waiting for Todd. Neither do I introduce him to the woman who answers the door. Todd catches up to us as she’s taking me through the open living room.
It's a nice home, but it's never going to work for all of Chrisette’s ancient aunties and uncles.
"Is it normal for houses this style to have all these levels?" I ask as the tour comes to a close.
The lady shrugs. "As old as it is, back when they couldn't just even things out with a bulldozer…"
"Chrisette said that you guys need wheelchair access," Todd reminds me.
The woman nods. "Then in that case I do recommend that you check out the old barn. It's a fair-weather-only location, but the whole thing is flat."
I grit my teeth. I knew all that, which is why I asked about all the levels. Todd is just rubbing my face into how much time he spends with the woman I'm about to marry. I get it; you're besties. "Can I poke around there for a bit?"
"Sure thing, sweetheart," the woman says. "I gotta go feed the horses, but it's just two minutes east of here. Keep going down the road; you'll find it."
“We’ll give you a call,” says Todd, shaking her hand.
We will not do a fucking thing, I don't say as I follow Todd back out to the car. Instead I shut the door a little harder than necessary and make a dumb comment.
"I'm still waiting for you to be useful, bro." It sounds like I'm trying to start a conversation, which is not the case.
Todd raises his eyebrows. "I'm a building contractor for high-end offices and fancy homes, with a background in structural engineering. Did Chrissy never tell you?"
"I have never asked," I respond with pride. Fuck Todd if he thinks I have any interest in him beyond how to legally remove him from this earth. But still, no wonder he can afford such nice shit.
"What do you do?" Todd asks like we're at a Christmas party. How come Chrisette never told him? I know she talks about me, because if her mom or sister don’t answer their phones and Chrisette’s mad at me, Todd is who she calls next.
"Graphic design and a little animation," I respond shortly. It sounds cooler if I don’t add that it’s for a microstock firm and corporate app developers. I've been getting into the graphic novel game a little, cleaning pencil sketches and doing coloration on a freelance basis, but I hate explaining what that means so I don't talk about it.
Todd makes a huh face. "I never would have pegged you as an artist," he comments. “You seem like such a frat boy.”
Chrisette thought the same thing until she got to know me. She and Todd both use frat boy as code for idiot. I wear t-shirts and shorts all the time because I work from home. "I never would have pegged you as a functioning adult. So, we're both surprised."
He looks like he's about to laugh but thinks better of it. “You'd be pretty funny if you weren't such a dick.”
“Nobody’s perfect.”
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