Please Teach My Husband: The Series

Stop the presses.

Getting old stuff out of my brain worked. I have had…wait for it…an original idea. With several of my stories getting longer and more complicated, I wanted to be able to write something punchy, quick, and exploratory without any big feelings to navigate. Hookup culture with a twist.

And so:

On a planet (to be named), an Earthling researcher has been tasked with collecting anecdotes from a holy man. This man's entire role is to satisfy and train the married men of his town when their wives are unavailable or uninterested. The society is egalitarian and suspicious of offworlders with their backwards values. We see this society through the researcher's eyes as he records the holy man's recollection of his visitors/supplicants, focusing on the encounters that would involve play/light kink (in Earth terms).

Already this concept has challenged me. A lot of kink involves some amount of perceived transgression or power dynamics. What changes if a society is completely accepting of sex between all consenting adults? What justification would there be to, I don't know, call someone a cumpig if it isn't stigmatized? When I lived in Japan, common dirty talk was that bottoming will feminize you. "No, don't make me cum with your cock; you're turning me into a girl!" or "I'm going to turn your asshole into a pussy!" Shit like that. If you've ever read stories featuring "gooning," or "mindbreak," you've definitely seen this in Western culture. Would humiliation play remain in an egalitarian society that finds no shame in men having sex? Such are the fun, stupid questions I ask myself while I type.

Thus far, I've outlined:

1. Please Teach My Husband Foreplay (toys)
2. Please Tie My Husband Up (bondage)
3. Please Help My Husband Last Longer (edging)
4. Please Punish My Husband (spanking, light exhibitionism)
5. Please Teach My Husband To Top (ooh, is the researcher going to have to step in?)

With a couple other entries floating around. I like the idea of the researcher struggling to stay professional while he's being told a bunch of sexy stories. Formatting could be a bitch, though. I'm trying to figure out how to let our entry character interject when he needs more details, or doesn't understand a term. 

In conclusion, I'm excited to have something new to think about, and could use suggestions on what other light kink I could include in this series.

The Worst Days eBook

 I think I first published The Worst Days on Literotica in 2008 or so. Then I disappeared and so did all my stories, and if not for a faithful reader it would have stayed gone. For the record, I used to do that too, back when wifi was scarce. Sitting in the student union in France, feeling guilty that the firewall didn't pick up on English language erotica, copying stories I wanted to read at home into a document. Then I'd delete them and empty the trash, just in case a friend needed to borrow my laptop and stumbled across something I wasn't ready to share.

In retrospect, I don't know if I love the story of Tam and Fen as much as some of the dumbasses I've been writing about in more recent years. They're a product of my youthful hubris—reading overwrought gay erotica by women and plot-less gay erotica by men, and thinking I can do way better than this. Fen was practically flawless, while Tam was too naïve for his age and profession. There's a lot that I would have cut out now (dogs? Really, man?), but I do recall the kind, thoughtful feedback from readers who liked my first and only attempt at queer science fiction. So for the ebook I kept those people in mind, focusing on minor edits and keeping the original flavor intact.

All seven chapters are downloadable through many of your favorite ebook platforms, but the direct link is here: https://books2read.com/u/38NpYO

And I made more terrible cover art. It might be my worst work yet.

The Worst Days 3.6

I can't look at this anymore without taking a red pen to it. I'm posting the version that a kind fan sent to me, but know that when this finally shows up in ebook form (in 2027? I've set a precedent) it will be less…cringey.

I woke up slowly, comfortable in a warm tangle of flesh and linens. I didn't fully awaken until I realized that I was wrapped around my large bedmate instead of the other way around. The sun was barely cresting the horizon, and purple shadows threw themselves across the room.

Someone knocked on the door, and Fen stirred in my arms. I snatched them away from him and he rolled onto his back.

"Who is up at this ungodly hour?" he groaned.

As if reading his mind, a voice came from the other side of the door. "Fenton, old boy, are you in there?" Almus Tobergus.

Fenton sighed, and looked over at me. "Pull the sheets down a little and moan like you're disappointed."

I raised my eyebrows. "Have you been drinking already?"

"Just do it. I don't want to deal with him this early," he grumbled, getting out of bed. He took his pants off and wrapped a robe around himself and held it like he was hiding an erection. I got the idea.

"But Mr. White, please," I whined loud enough for Tobergus to hear, smacked my palm against my bare stomach, then squealed. I might have been overdoing it.

Read the rest at https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/WalkerCFields

The Worst Days 3.5

To read part 3.4 click here, or start from the beginning. Again, thanks to Luz for sending me a copy of this lost tome.

"Here I am," I said casually. Yikes! I thought.

Samarra hoisted herself up on the countertop. "Did you think about what I told you?" she asked.

I opted for honesty. "I did, and frankly I think it's full of holes."

She was clearly taken aback, and an ugly scowl clouded her lush features.

"Seriously," I continued, "I supposed you have a way to get yourself to safety, but there's no way I could leave this country alive if I murdered Fenton White, especially after this party."

Samarra pursed her lips. "And if you didn't kill him?"

Read the rest at https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/WalkerCFields

The Worst Days 3.4

To read part 3.3 click here, or start from the beginning. Again, thanks to Luz for sending me a copy of this lost tome.

Not a minute later Fen appeared at the door. "Guests are arriving now," he informed me. He looked tense, even a little worried, and I had a sudden inexplicable urge to give him a reassuring hug. I resisted that urge, since that only complicated my indecision on whether or not to "get him out of the picture," as Samarra had put it. Also, it wasn't manly, and I had taken enough blows to my manliness in the past week already.

To ease my conscience, I asked, "Something wrong?" in a tone that said I didn't really care.

Fen immediately smoothed his expression to pleasantly neutral. "Of course not," he responded. "It is not a life-or-death situation, it's a party."

I cringed inwardly. If you only knew.

The first guest through the door, naturally, was Almus Tobergus and a new pair of slaves, both muscled men. Perhaps these were the soldiers of whom he had boasted in the park. They were wearing shock collars and sullen expressions, but shot quick smiles to each other when they saw me. I guess getting beaten up by a slave isn't good when one makes a living training other slaves.

I tried to make myself unobtrusive. To be honest, I had no idea what my purpose was at this party. Was I proof that Fenton White was real Nitkani, that he had the balls to trade in human flesh? I might have been eye candy, but I was even more uncomfortable with that idea, so I avoided eye contact and stayed in the background.

People poured through the door and I wandered around, avoiding Almus and Fen and Samarra, which was not an easy task. Alfevi wanted everyone to know who had designed my "terribly magnificent evening attire," and Samarra was sending me looks that said Find a place where we can talk. I pretended complete confusion, as if I couldn't read body language, and moseyed out of her sight looking pretty but stupid. Occasionally she would pop up in my peripheral vision and I would have to slink out of the room again. I finally snuck out to the conservatory and hid behind a large flowering plant of some sort to eat the appetizers I had filched.

"What are you doing here?" came Fen's voice from beside me. I jumped a near mile in the air and the appetizers flew out of my hands.

"What the fuck?" I sputtered. "Are you hiding at your own party?" Fen actually looked abashed, and I laughed softly. "You're the worst host ever."

"I would have said that I was looking for someone, or something. Ass."

"I'll kick it, if you're offering."

Fen's mouth turned up at a corner. "Smart ass. That's what I meant."

I elbowed him. When he smiled, it was hard not to like him at least a little bit.

"Oh hey," I snapped my fingers. "Mrs. Cupps told me not to take any wooden coins. Do you have money made of wood?"

Fen had to cover his mouth to keep his laughs quiet as a couple entered the conservatory and starting lip-locking passionately underneath a fern. "No, you idiot. It's an expression. If someone were offering you a gold-covered wooden coin, you'd be getting cheated, correct?"

"Sure."

"So, she was telling you not to take any offers the might look golden on the surface, but are actually made of wood," Fen explained. "All things are not as they seem, etcetera."

My thoughts immediately swung to sexy Samarra and her escape plan. I hadn't even thought about the flaws before. I couldn't stay in the trunk of a hovercar for very long, and once I got out then where would I be? I didn't want to be hunted down for murder as well as escaping, and if Samarra was going to off Alfevi (and possibly a chauffeur) I would be counted as an accessory. 

"Double damn," I swore softly.

Fen raised his eyebrows. "Already took some wooden coins, eh?"

"No." Not yet, at least. Something at the back of my brain told me that there was another reason I was skeptical of Samarra's plan, something that had a lot to do with a tingle at the top of my spine. I told that something to shut the fuck up.

"Is Almus bothering you yet?" Fen asked conversationally.

I didn't get why he was being so buddy-buddy with me all of a sudden, but I was willing to go with it. I realized how badly I missed Juniper and my family; nobody here save Gloria Cupps seemed to care much about my emotional health. Fen was being friendly, and not since my wedding day had I talked with a friend.

"I've been avoiding him," I admitted. "There was some overly enthusiastic space hockey fan in there, so I just talked to him whenever Tobergus got close."

"You mean Mr. Kraskow? The old bald man with the beaky nose and dead--goat breath?"

I smiled at the description. "The very one," I confirmed.

"Then what you meant to say is that you nodded occasionally while he talked," Fen corrected.

"Well," I mused, "he did ask me a lot of questions in-depth about secret team strategies."

Fen nodded, "That's because he owns Gray Terror. He probably wanted to get the advantage future international games."

"Oh." I shrugged. "Guess it's a good thing I pretended I only knew about four words in Nitkan, and none of them having to do with space hockey."

Fen laughed at that, then sighed. "I need to get back and play the host," he groaned.

"Couldn't you send everyone to bed early?" I asked. "It is your house, after all."

"It's a thought," Fen agreed. "Meet me in the front hall in an hour. You can be my excuse to go to bed early."

I grimaced. I hoped that didn't mean I would be expected to put out. Before leaving our hiding spot Fen rubbed his hand over his mouth a couple of times, mussed up his hair, and jumped in place a few times.

"What the hell are you doing?" I asked him, cocking my head.

Fen gave me a dirty grin that nestled itself in the pit of my stomach. "I'm making it look like I was gone for a reason. You should do the same."

"No thanks," I said brightly. "I'm sure you'd look just as satisfied as if you had been out here jacking off."

Quicker than I could react, Fen had me in a headlock and was messing up my hair. 

"Hey!" I protested, trying to shove him off me. Fen covered my mouth with his hand to silence me, and I did the mature thing and licked him. He wiped my saliva onto my forehead, then let me loose. I scowled at him and he grinned.

"See? Now we both have an excuse."

I shoved him. "Pervert. What kind of host sneaks off to have sex in the middle of his own party?" I headed back to the house.

Fen shrugged innocently. "A rich, enigmatic Nitkani does," he responded, "then if he's extremely mysterious he'll act as though nothing had happened, and not touch his companion for the rest of the night."

"Thanks." I was almost genuine.

"You're welcome. Feel free to make eyes at me when my back is turned and sigh in excess."

"So you can be mysterious and a great lay?" I snorted. "That's just too much. I'm sorry. Alfevi's girls already asked me if you had a donkey dick."

Fen grinned, "You mean Tana and Riki? They have vivid imaginations."

I was surprised he knew their names. "I set them straight, of course."

"So they know for sure I have a donkey dick."

I punched him in the shoulder, but couldn't keep a laugh from bursting from my throat as we reentered the house. It drew a lot of attention to us, and I turned bright red and scuttled into the kitchen to escape the leers. Fen was probably stone-faced and composed, the bastard.

Luck deserted me when I got into the kitchen and found Samarra about to walk out the other door.

"There you are," she purred.

The Worst Days 3.3

To read part 3.2 click here, or start from the beginning. Again, thanks to Luz for sending me a copy of this lost tome.

My heart immediately sped up. Sure, Lomagnia was landlocked on Nitkistan's north side, and Calterra was a dinky set of islands on the east, but I'd have greater chances of making it back to Lomagnia that way than trying to wait out the war.

"But how would I get out of this place?" I asked. "Mr. White is really good at those security systems."

"The best," Samarra nodded over her fabric swatches. "But it will be relaxed when guests leave the party this weekend. You could get away then."

I had to sit down. "I can't believe it," I said. I could barely comprehend such an opportunity was being laid in my lap, and so soon after arriving. Why was I not more excited? I should have been turning handsprings, but instead I had a knot anxiety in my stomach.

"The girls will be back any minute, so I'll make this quick," the seamstress said urgently. "You'll have to get Mr. White out of the picture, then you can sneak down to the garage and hole up in Alfevi's trunk; I'll make sure he doesn't check it—"

"Wait, wait," I interrupted. "What do you mean by 'get Mr. White out of the picture?'"

The Worst Days 3.2

I got distracted by my job, a dog, and a little Watching Him Back spinoff. To read part 3.1 click here, or start from the beginning. Again, thanks to Luz for sending me a copy of this lost tome.

I woke the next morning to hear Mrs. Cupps pounding on my door. "Wake up, Tamlin, honey," she called. "The seamstress will be here in half an hour!"

"Ugh," I moaned to no one. The fancy duds were on their way. I did want breakfast, however, so I levered myself out of bed and trudged downstairs for some eggs and breakfast porridge. I was even sorer today now that the bruises had their chance to settle in, and on one wrist it looked as if someone had bitten me. Maybe someone had, and I had been too high on adrenaline to notice. I hoped I didn't have rabies.

Read the rest at https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/WalkerCFields

The Worst Days Ch. 3.1

Some more train wreck for you patient souls. To read the part 2.4 click here, or start from the beginning. Again, thanks to Luz for sending me a copy of this lost tome.

When I roused myself from my nap it was dusk and my stomach was growling. I hopped in the shower to loosen my sore muscles and sluice off the dried sweat. After pulling on a shirt and jeans I wandered downstairs to hear Fen talking with the woman I had heard the night before, the one who had suggested they treat me gently. I wondered if she knew what had happened in the park. Or what we had been doing afterward. I could smell something delicious cooking, so I wandered towards the kitchen.

It was a tad awkward when I shuffled into the room and found Fen and a matronly figure there, interrupting their conversation. Fen was leaning against the counter with his arms crossed, and when he saw me he got a languid, smug look on his face that made me want to hit him, especially when the hum in my head turned sybaritic. I wondered how he could communicate facial expression without moving his mouth. I was going to have to learn that trick. The Nitkani woman, who looked older than my mother but spry nonetheless, stared at me with her mouth open.

"Er, hello, ma'am," I offered in Nitkan, shoving my hands in my pockets. I felt five years old under her scrutiny.

Read the rest at https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/WalkerCFields

The Worst Days Ch. 2.4

More of this hot mess, because I'm definitely stalling. To read the part 2.3 click here, or start from the beginning. Again, thanks to Luz for sending me a copy of this lost tome.

Fen's mouth turned up a bit more. "If I didn't know better, I would have thought you'd done that before," he sighed. Had he been feline, he would have purred. 

I snorted. "I do not consider that a compliment."

"Mm, you should," he murmured. "I can't move."

"So now would be a good time to make a run for it?" I said sarcastically.

Fen opened a grey eye at me. "You want to run around this place with a stiff dick after what you saw today? Be my guest."

Read the rest at https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/WalkerCFields

The Worst Days Ch. 2.3

At risk of biasing you against reading what I'm putting on this blog (for reading), let's just say that while you read I will be offering sacrifices to the gods of Grammar, Spelling, and Turns of Phrase, for I have sinned gravely. To read the part 2.2 click here, or start from the beginning. Again, thanks to Luz for sending me a copy of this lost tome.

By the time we reached the estate I was in real pain. Adrenaline blocks out the effects of most blows while it overtakes one's brain, but when it's gone it leaves the body in a world of hurt. Fen noticed I was slow getting out of the hoverlimo.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked me.

I grimaced. "I don't think anything's broken, and I'm pretty sure I was never hit in the kidneys, but that crowd sure didn't pull its punches. I blame you for all of this."

Read the rest at https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/WalkerCFields

The Worst Days 2.2

Luz emailed me a complete copy of my Worst Days series. It was my first foray into erotica, so now I look back on some parts think, That absolutely sucked. Ergo I'm rewriting it. In the meantime, here's more of the original. The first chapter is here and the 2.1 is here.

My scalp prickled, but I didn't look at him. "I beg your pardon, sir?"

"Lomagnians aren't the only ones who follow space hockey," he murmured, his fingers stroking the inside of my arm. "I saw the news when you disappeared, and I stalked the auctions until I found where you were being sold." His fingers tightened and dug into the space between muscles. "I don't know how White got to you before I did. I didn't even know he was into boys."

I shrugged and concentrated on reading the menu of the food stand. I've dealt with obsessed fans before, there was even a teenage girl who stole my dirty underclothes from the locker room and sent them back to me after masturbating with them (which was just plain grungy), but it's a little bit different when the fan wants to turn you into a sex slave. Creepy was only the tip of the adjective iceberg.

Read the rest at https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/WalkerCFields

Guess What I Found

This is all I have.
I don't exaggerate or withhold—the old USB from whence this came contained this, and only this, chapter among college essays and drafts of résumés. Maybe some old timer on the Lit forums has a copy of the rest, but I don't. I'm just letting you know, is all, that there is no more after this. 

The Worst Days Ch. 01

Not every bad day starts out with a sign. What turned out to be the ruination of life as I knew it started beautifully. I was getting married. Unlike other grooms who are about to take the leap into married life, I had no second thoughts about the woman with whom I shared a soul. I could feel her heart beating when I breathed, and she anticipated my every thought. Our love was a blessed one, and no one doubted it. Juniper was the loveliest woman I had ever known, and had a wit that could cut a man to ribbons if she chose (which she never did), and was smarter than I'll ever be. She was also sweet, and though she liked to pretend she was just another violent, angry soldier, her natural kindness gave her away. She was good for me, and she knew it. Juniper gave me the freedom to feel.

She and I had decided to get married before she was sent to war; I think we were both so eager to finally taste the marital pleasures we'd been teased about since we started dating that we simply couldn't wait. Who wants to abstain until the war is won? Nobody. Juniper teased me constantly that as an athlete I had to have picked up some sort of disease from my groupies even if I was still a virgin in every sense of the word. Hah. Groupies can't compare to Juniper. And when this day was over I would be a virgin no longer. Finally. The wait was worth it, but by His Majesty's back hair it was hard.

We had decided on an outdoor wedding, to enjoy the last of our sweet green turf before it turned brown with autumn. It was also a subtle thumbing of our noses to the Nitkani forces who happened to be in the process of invading our country. Juniper's idea, of course. Who cares if you could annihilate our city within minutes, Nitkistan? We're gonna get married in style.

The day was perfect for our wedding. My whole raucous family was there, even those from the East Coast, and Juniper's clan (she called them her tribe. There were a lot of them) had managed to match all their clothing to the red and violet flowers Juniper had picked out to decorate the benches and altar. The sky was bluer than a jay and the clouds were far away and white. To my love-drunk mind even the forest that surrounded the clearing of my back yard looked benevolent in its green finery. Juniper was resplendent, radiant, beautiful beyond my capability to describe. Her mahogany hair fell loose around her face, her deep brown eyes sparkled at me, telling me how excited her was to see me on the way up to the alter. Her smile, pearlescent in the bright daylight, was turned up slightly higher on one side, teasing me; I think she knew I almost teared up at the site of her. My bride. My wife.

My foot was on the step onto the wedding platform when the first of the gunfire was heard. We all hit the ground, and I pulled Juniper underneath me with little regard for the silk dress that clung so gracefully to her. The sound of helicopters was a low drone in the distance, growing ever louder.